


watch it begin again

by orphan_account



Category: Silmaril (Glowfic)
Genre: it could really be worse ask your alts, politics is basically the same thing as therapy right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-12 19:13:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12966459
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: for fakestseebs for the glowfic drabbles thing





	watch it begin again

He paces.

He is presumably under observation, but they’re being subtle about it. He could pretend that he was alone. He doesn’t pretend that. Being alone would be worse. Someone watching him isn’t nearly as good as someone to talk with, but it’s still vastly preferable to nothing. He can keep track of how they’ll parse his movements and that is almost like a kind of interaction.

He’ll get visitors tomorrow. His mother will come, even if she cannot think of anything to say to him. He is not quite so desperately lonely that he can make himself eager to face her.

He morphs into a bird, an Earth bird, dark brown with red on the underside of his wings. There’ll be a force field if he flies high enough. He stays low to the ground, skimming the grass, letting different senses make the prison feel a different place. The bird brain is confused that there’s no wind.

He morphs back. He eats. He sleeps. He leaves one eye open, staring at the stars. His mother will visit. What will he say? Seven children, you had, five years ago. Two still alive and one of those in prison. I am sorry they are all dead. I don’t want to talk about how I killed them. I don’t even think about it, usually. 

He paces.

He remembers the names of eighty million dead innocents but he does not remember, will not permit himself to remember, how he killed Talik.

He thinks that maybe she won’t visit.

But, of course, she does.

 

He remembers the names of eighty million dead innocents but he’s forgotten so many things; the way her body changes when she’s worried, when she’s angry, when she’s sad. She is worried and angry and sad and she crosses the field towards him. He wonders idly how prisoners who are a danger to others are handled, and how it was decided that he is not a danger to others.  

 <Matirin,> says his mother.

<I am so sorry.>

<Me too.>

There has to be something else to say but he can’t think of it. Eventually, very slowly: <I thought that we would lose. We won.>

<I know. I am proud of you.>

<It was not me. I think it was mostly luck. I got everyone killed losing and then the winning just fell on us from above - but we would not have - we would not have won if they had not been there to fight for it. I do not want you to think I did anything but I do not want you to think they died for nothing either.>

<You are going to find it difficult to persuade me you did not do anything.>

<Oh,> says Matirin, <I did not mean to claim I was innocent of the charges the Electorate is pursuing against me. I am not. I only meant to clarify that I did not - I did not trade their lives for Earth, I just stupidly got them killed and also incidentally we had the fortune to save Earth.>

His mother steps closer and falls into step next to him and lets her tail trail across the grass. If she’d been human she would have sighed and shaken her head and patted his flank. It is strange, how human body language feels more familiar than that of his own people. <If you had known when you left,> she says, <that it would end like this - and you could have chosen to stay ->

 <Of course we would have left> says Matirin. <We won.>

<You did. I am so proud of all of you.>

That one he cannot contest as easily as declarations of pride in him in particular. <I was dreading this,> he said after a moment, <but for the wrong reasons. I was dreading having to explain to people who trusted me and thought well of me that I had betrayed our people. That part has not been so bad. I know why I did it and I was right and I am good at explaining myself to people anyway. The part that is going to be horrible is having nothing to distract me, for the rest of my life, from the fact that I killed my family.>

<Was Earth very distracting?>

<Of course it was! A whole world, and they were not far from starships even before I gave them our secrets, all their industries spinning and racing to make the best use of technologies that would change everything. Public opinion was very satisfying to manage. They adored us. Cayaldwin has a research team there... you should visit Cayaldwin. I asked Isabella to look after him but it might be good to have more than one person, for that. ...we told them I have been reassigned to another important front in the war. They would have taken the truth poorly. Diplomatic relations with humans are important, they are going to be a significant asset fairly soon.>

 <Does everyone who needs to understand that understand that?>

<I am not sure. I hope so. It is fairly apparent. It was not always wise for me to say it - some people assume that I am not very reliable, because of all of the treason ->

<All the treason>, she repeats.

<It was a lot of treason. There was not much point in doing it halfway.>

 <And now it's too much to reverse.>

<Exactly. Now we just need to move forward with the humans on our side.>

 

<Should I run for office?>

Those of Matirin’s eyes not focused on his mother swing around to blink at her surprisedly. <I - yes. I did not realize you were considering it.>

 <It sounds like it would be a shame if they got this wrong.>

 <It would.>

 <And you can help me.>

 <I can.>

 <And then we can both of us be distracted.>

 Matirin lets himself think about that until it starts to hurt and then pushes it away. <I need a lot of reading material to be usefully positioned to advise you, everything I know is five years out of date…>

  
  



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